God's Response to a Panic-filled Night

In a previous post I referenced a panic filled night I endured 7 weeks ago. The night ended with a very hopeful response from God that came from the strangest of places. Here's what I wrote the morning after:

I’ve just endured another very anxiety-filled night. For weeks I’ve been struggling with panic attacks, and last night’s series pushed me to my limits. When will this go away? Will it go away?

Just as my hope was bottoming out, I had a very beautiful experience.

It was around 4 am, and I’d had less than two hours of sleep and was feeling very overwhelmed. I went downstairs to run on the treadmill (for the second time that night).

To help pass the time I turned on an old BBC comedy I’d been watching called ‘REV’ and watched an episode for what I thought would be a distraction. Instead, the storyline seemed to mirror all of the anxieties I was feeling. The main protagonist, a parish priest named Adam Smallbone, had been wrongfully accused of what some saw as a career-ending sin.

The storyline reminded me of how much God has protected me from this kind of accusation in my ministry. But then I remembered the one person who went to the denominational head office years ago and accused me of unfairly limiting their capacity to serve in the church. As I pondered this, I started to recall other moments when I tried to over-control people at work.

In the show Rev. Smallbone goes through an ecclesiastical trial and is eventually exonerated. But because the story of his trespass got out, everyone condemned him. There was no going back. The show’s storywriters creatively paralleled the narrative of Jesus’ pre-crucifixion hours in telling Adam’s story (despised, rejected, people washing their hands of him). With every detail I resonated with the cross-bearing angst of this priest.

Near the end of the episode Adam ends up on the top of a hill having just carried a big wooden cross there for an upcoming Easter Sunday sunrise service. Deeply distraught and with little strength left, he finally put down the cross and, looking up on that misty, still, early morning, started dancing and singing:

“Dance, then, wherever you may be,

I am the Lord of the Dance, said he,

And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be,

And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said he…”

As he danced a man came out of nowhere (played by Liam Neeson) and started singing and dancing with him. When Adam spoke with the man, he came to realize that he was God/Jesus. Then the man left the Adam with these words: “Adam Adam, we all have our crosses to bear.” And with a most benevolent and loving look in his eye, he put his hand on Adam’s shoulder and said, “I understand Adam… I’ll always be here.”

The scene had me in tears (you can watch it here). It was as though Christ was saying these words to me—in my moment of weakness.

Then, the man disappears as mysteriously as he had appeared, and Adam 'gets' it, and his soul is revived.

Taking in the scene I could feel a resurrecting hope rise up in me.

When the episode was done, I headed upstairs and stepped onto my back porch. It was a very grey misty morning—totally still and beautiful. I felt wide awake. I walked over to our sour cherry bush to see if any of the fruit was ripe and found one cherry (the first this season) that was ready. Holding it in my hand I said, “Take, eat, remember and believe, that the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ was given for the complete forgiveness of all of our sins,” and then I took a bite.

The words never felt so true and real. After a truly terrible night, God was still with me.

Then an old church worship song ran through my head:

“I love you, Lord, and I lift my voice

to worship you, oh my soul rejoice.

Take joy, my king, in what you hear,

Let it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear.”

I sang it out loud and, of course, there were tears. But not of despair; they were tears of hope. God will get me though this painful time — “I’ll always be here.”.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

God via the prophet Isaiah 41:10