To Open Their Eyes

"I am sending you to them,

to open their eyes..."

Jesus to the Apostle Paul

(in Acts 26:17-18)

When I read these words this morning my heart brightened—this is everything to me! All I want to do is help people see Jesus for who he really is—the One who holds all things in love.

When I first encountered God I was overwhelmed by love—so powerful, real, and present. I remember how my first instinct was to want to help others see the same. This would become my life's mission.

To be reminded of this primal call is a gift right now.

For the past 18 months, I've been vocationally floundering. I thought I knew what I had to do… until I didn't. Instead of scrambling to try and make things happen—the modus operandi of my entire life—I began to put things down. I decided to wait on God.

Only waiting proved to be a very painful process. At first, I had to deal with a few superficial things like impatience, an over-controlling nature, and financial fear. Last month the pain went much deeper as I experienced an unrelenting series of panic attacks. After a few weeks of suffering, the insomnia, fear, and dread became so severe one night that I wondered if I'd need to be hospitalized.

At that point I wasn't worried about getting books published, or doing big things for God. All I wanted was some peace and well-being—to have a settled mind again.

So I visited my doctor and got some help, had several meetings with a psychologist, and completed a few big home improvement projects. And now the panic is gone

Over this past month of counselling, I have come to see the depth of both my brokenness and goodness in ways that I could never have imagined. God shook me to the core of my being so that I could see who I really was. Losing control somehow allowed me to give all control to God.

Now, just five weeks out from the most horrible night of my life, I can say that I am thankful that it happened. I don't want it to ever happen again, but I am now in a more healthy place before God than I have ever been.

In this new and peaceful place, I'm getting a sense of vocational clarity—that I need to focus on writing as my primary job.

So, I'm gonna let go of all the other things I've felt pressure to do and put my focus here. I'm going to write in the most eye-opening way I can and see where that goes.